Be the flame, not the moth

LOVE/HATE Relationship

It’s been a while, but I haven’t had much to say about life lately. Which is good, I’ve just been living and avoiding analyzing things.

Right now I am having a love/hate feeling towards the beginning of a relationship. Just getting to know someone, but liking them so much. On one hand, you haven’t found a single thing to dislike about the person yet. You’re completely smitten and infatuated with one another.

Why does this infatuation have to feel so permanent?

That’s what gets me every time. I get so attached to the “beginning of a relationship” feeling that even when that fades and I’m not as happy with the person, I ignore those feelings just because the beginning was so great.

Like right now, I really like a guy…which is great, but in the back of my head all I can think about is when it will stop being so great. Like all other men I’ve been involved with, this one will end. My past few relationships have ended so badly and hurt me so much, I almost want to end this before it gets to that point.

Instead I’ll try my best to keep everything as casual as possible, not get attached. But I already see it happening. I always get attached in one way or another.

I love this part of a new relationship. I love the spark. The excitement.

But now I’m beginning to hate this part of a new relationship. I’m scared because I’m tired of having to pick myself up after every relationship goes badly. I’d rather be alone than have to deal with that over and over again.

Maybe if I just don’t think about anything.

Settling?

I’m at a crossroads here.

I’ve been choosing to be more open minded when it comes to men. Clearly the ones that are my type, or that I am really interested in don’t work out. And not only do they not work out, they end badly. So lately, I’ve been giving different types of guys a chance. If they are brave enough to pursue me, I’ll consider them. Rather than totally ignoring them like I would have in the past.

I don’t have anything to conclude from this experiment yet, as its just begun. But we’ll soon find out if I was just not giving the rights guys a chance.

I hope my conclusion won’t eventually be that because I felt hopeless in the dating department, I settled for guys that usually wouldn’t be up to par with me.

Hotness Scale.

I’ve realized, the more attractive a guy is, the more he can get away with at the beginning of a relationship. It’s like oh you stood me up but you are a 10, you get another chance. Or oh you texted me 5 times in a row but you are a 10, that’s not desperate. So I decided to make a scale to determine the different levels of hotness and how it effects the way to a girl’s heart.

0-3

This type of guy is “really nice”. Always in the friend zone and is used to it. Won’t usually try anything more than that. If a guy like this were to try and romance a girl, he could probably be the smoothest, most charming man out there and she’d still not consider him. So….sorry boys, you probably can’t date out of your league.

4-6

This guy is cute. He probably has a good personality. But it just seems like girls look for any reason not to go for him. If he is too nice, then he is desperate. If he is mean, then he is just a jerk. This guy cannot win because he can have great chemistry with a girl who will never admit her feelings for him because his looks don’t fit what she is looking for.

7-10

He’s good looking and has a nice body. As long as he gives a girl the smallest bit of attention, she will be interested. He can also give a girl too much attention and she will be interested. This guy is golden.

I am so tired of following the rules.

It is one thing that I am focusing on myself and not looking for a romantic relationship. But there are times at when I think I take it a little too far. I have been giving men little to no attention and making sure I pursue no one by never going out of my way to get to know a new guy.

At the same time, I feel like I don’t need to quit building relationships with the male gender just so I don’t end up getting involved with someone. Usually I try and obey some self-made rules on dating or getting to know people that are meant to help me avoid seeming desperate.

For instance, I never friend request people because for some reason I never want to let someone know I went to the trouble to look them up on Facebook and request them. This is a dumb rule. I met cool people this weekend and I want to keep in touch with them if I can.

Basically I am still going to focus on myself, but with that I can still be myself and do the things that I want to do (even if it goes against what society would want for myself).

I hate writing I make no sense.

Bedtime.